Advice for Parents
ADVICE FOR PARENTS
Support, don't direct
- All of us want to raise independent individuals who make good choices. Financial considerations are critical and need to be part of the selection process, but the ultimate decision about a college is your child's choice; you may influence it, but it's his or hers to make. You can help your child by raising questions and by encouraging him to think about concerns you believe are important. Help him to see the "big picture."
Acknowledge
their decisions
- Applying to colleges is a stressful time for both students and parents. Moving through this transition successfully depends on both you and your child. One of the best things you can do for adolescents is to tell them--at moments when they're ready to listen--why you think they'll succeed in college. Let them know that they'll make it away from home.
Prepare for the real world
- Throughout childhood, allow your children to handle small failures in order to learn to get back up and try again. Learning coping skills is crucial to facing larger disappointments later, like a rejection from a college your son or daughter hoped to attend.
- Celebrate your child's resilience when she copes well with a difficult situation.
- If your adolescent isn't doing his own laundry, have him begin now. You're doing him a big favor by adding this skill to his repertoire.
- Set up a checking account and credit card for your child. Show her how to keep track of financial transactions and how to balance a checkbook.
- Teach your son or daughter how to cook a favorite meal by preparing it together. Do it more than once and let him do it solo. Your child will be glad to be able to cook a meal when it counts.
Spend quality time together
- Create a family occasion that everybody will want to repeat. For example, designate one night a week to eat at a sit-down restaurant. It doesn't need to be fancy because food is not the focus. The purpose is relaxed conversation between family members.
BEFORE THE ACCEPTANCE/REJECTION LETTERS ARRIVE . . .
- Talk with your daughter about what might happen if she isn't accepted to her first choice school. What are her alternatives?
- Discuss with your son the possiblity of his being waitlisted at all of his schools. What plan will he consider?
- Strategize different options together before the letters come so you're both better able to handle whatever outcome occurs. (From Amy Dickinson, "Ask Amy - Responding to the Thin Envelope," National Public Radio, Talk of the Nation, April 2007)
AFTER THE ACCEPTANCE/REJECTION LETTERS ARRIVE . . .
Sympathize and listen
- If your child isn't accepted into his first choice, acknowledge his disappointment. But let him know that people aren't defined by their rejection letters. There may be a better match at another school. Or he may benefit from exploring alternative programs for a year, such as offered at leapnow.com, and reapplying to college. Help him to see this could be an opportunity rather than a loss by thoughtfully considering his other options.
- Congratulate your child on her acceptances. Acknowledge that her hard work paid off. Go to each college's website to note what particular programs are offered that most appeal to her.
- "Embrace the possiblities you have." (Amy Dickinson) This is one of the signal lessons in life. Now may be a good time to share such wisdom.
Go online
- Sign up
for an e-mail service, if you don't already have it. It's a great way
to communicate. Students can pick up their messages at any time and
reply at their convenience. For some topics, it can also be less intimidating
or awkward than a phone call.
Celebrate together
- Consider recognizing your child's entry into college by creating something heartfelt just for your graduate. In the words of Bodie Brizendine, Head of Marin Academy, "Whatever it may be, let it honor the music of their growing up before the silence of their departure."
- After one family helped their daughter move into her dorm room, they handed her a cassette as they left campus. They said what they were going to miss about her, what they weren't going to miss, and how they thought college would affect her. She played it many times her first semester and was deeply touched. (From Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers, Michael Riera, Ph.D.)
- Another good idea from Dr. Mike, as he's called, is to put a disposable camera with a stamped, self-addressed envelope in your son or daughter's luggage. Ask them to take photos of the campus and new friends to send to you, so you can have a better sense of them in their surroundings. (Staying Connected to Your Teenager, Michael Riera, Ph.D.)
Good Books
- Coburn and Treeger, Letting Go, A Parent's Guide to Understanding the College Years
- Jones and Ginsburg, Less Stress, More Success: A New Approach to Guiding Your Teen Through College Admissions and Beyond
- Kastner and Wyatt, The Launching Years, Stategies for Parenting from Senior Year to College Life
- Pasick, Almost Grown, Launching Your Child from High School to College
- Riera and Di Prisco, Field Guide to the American Teenager, A Parent's Companion
- Riera, Staying Connected to Your Teenager, How to Keep Them Talking to You and How to Hear What They're Really Saying
- Riera, Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers
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